Better Than I by Dallyn Vail Bayles

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is to put my trust in You

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me
Will You teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I


This song is from one of my favourite childhood movies called Joseph: King of Dreams and at this point in my life this song is a prayer from my heart.

Lead me Lord,
Amen

The Pursuit of God

I left Regina at 7:30am Nov. 23 and up until now I have been doing a lot of deep thinking. During the 12 hour plane ride from Toronto to Tel Aviv I read a book called, "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer. I tried my best despite my exhaustion to digest what I was reading and I know that I will have to read it again a few times to allow it to really sink in and marinate into my mind and heart. At the moment I want to reflect on a few quotes that touched me deeply and helped me to settle some things in my heart and mind.

"The way to deeper knowledge of God is through the lonely valleys of soul poverty and abnegation of all things. The blessed ones who possess the kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing." (Pg. 23)
I own nothing truly in this world. Everything is the Lord's and I must surrender all to Him. Clinging tightly to the created does not bring me closer to my Creator.

"We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed." (Pg. 28)
There have been numerous situations recently in which people I have been close to have walked away from the Lord and it has been a struggle to commit them to Him and let go of the burden I had been carrying to save them myself. Also relationships that I had put a lot of hope in were weighing me down because I had clinged so closely to them, thinking that I needed them for some security or identity, which I also required to let go and commit to God. These people I still treasure and pray for even though I cannot be close with them. They are in my Lord's loving hands, which is the safest place for them to be and I need not be afraid.

"Every soul belongs to God and exists by His pleasure. God being who and what He is, and we being who and what we are, the only thinkable relation between us is one of full Lordship on His part and complete submission on ours. We owe Him every honour that is in our power to give Him. Our everlasting grief lies in giving Him any less." (Pg. 96)
I want to honour the Lord with everything I am and in everything I think, say, and do. Making the tough decisions to deny myself daily is only the beginning.

Please Father above,

For the glory of Your Name, give me the strength and the will to do what is right.

Amen.

Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp

Will I believe You when You say Your hand will guide my every way?
Will I receive the Words You say every moment of every day?

Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me

Well help me to rid my endless fears, You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new, Your grace covers all I do

Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me

Well I'm broken but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken, pouring Your Words of grace

Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me

Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith

Another Birthday

I'm 24 now.

So much has happened over this past year and I have learned a lot.

I would say that some of the biggest trials I've had to face yet have come my way in 2016.

But I am thankful for the journey because it has ultimately brought me closer to Christ.

I've had to learn how to depend on Him and trust in Him more than ever before and He has proved Himself faithful to His Word.

I can rest in the promises of Jesus:

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." 
- 2 Timothy 3:16-17

"But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing." - James 1:25

"If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." - John 12:26

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

"Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding." - Proverbs 3:13

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 
- 1 Peter 5:6-10

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

There are many, many, many more promises than these, but I have found these to be some of the key ones that I have had to come back to throughout the trials this year.

Life is not over yet. Each day is a battle to choose to surrender either to God or my flesh. It's not easy. But the eternal blessing of surrendering to God is always worth the fight. 

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing, time to move on.
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.
Time to make right what has been wrong.
It's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
But I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again.
Re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow Your will,
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is You want from me.
I give everything, I surrender

To whatever You're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.
And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
I'm giving in to something heavenly, something heavenly.

Time to face up, clean this old house.
Time to breathe in and let everything out.
That I wanted to say for so many years.
Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever You're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me.
Larger than life, something heavenly.

It's time to face up, clean this old house.
Time to breathe in and let everything out.

It's Alright by Third Day

The letter said that You were leaving, but You didn't know how long.
I have never stopped believing that one day You would return.
And though waiting is the hardest part of everything I do,
I confess it's getting better knowing I will be with You.

It's alright, it's okay.
I won't worry about tomorrow,
for it brings me one more day
closer than I was to You.

Now the question isn't "will You?" What I want to know is "when?"
If it's one day or a million, I will wait for You 'til then.
So I'm holding on to Your Words and the promises You've made.
There is not one You have broken. There's not one I didn't take.

It's alright, it's okay.
I won't worry about tomorrow,
for it brings me one more day
closer than I was to You.

Your letter said that You were leaving, but You didn't know how long.
I will never stop believing. I know one day You will return.

Negatively Emotional

I am emotional.

Well I suppose everyone else in the world is emotional too. Except my emotions tend to appear externally a lot more than the average person. This is very unfortunate when I'm feeling negative emotions. Or at least I used to believe it was.

Throughout my childhood I found it a shame to cry in front of people. Crying was defined by my family and peers as a demonstration of weakness; so I resolved to try my best not to let others see my tears. It didn't always work. My efforts to hide negative emotions have mostly been futile. Unless I can physically remove myself from a situation, I quite easily end up in a mess of tears for the world to look upon. But why do I want to hide?

God created me the way that I am. Emotions and all.

The Psalmist says to the Lord, "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." - Psalm 139:14

I should not be ashamed of my emotions, though they can be overwhelming at times. They are a part of who I am and I need to embrace them. Of course it is not ideal to be sobbing in public places as opposed to my bedroom, but I shouldn't be ashamed or afraid to cry. It is not a symbol of weakness.

Scripture says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" - Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
Also, we are commanded to, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." - Romans 12:15
And let's not forget that, "Jesus wept." - John 11:35

Solomon notes in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for weeping and a time for mourning. There is much suffering in this world we live in and it demands an emotional response. Whether it be anger (I'll post more specifically on anger in the future as it requires a bit more explanation) or sorrow.

As a nursing student, I have learned a lot about being empathetic. Empathy is important because when you try putting yourself in the shoes of others you connect with them on a deeper level, causing them to feel loved and cared about (see this video). It also takes some humility to put other's needs before your own in relating to them. I, for example, risk the potential shame in showing negative emotion in being empathetic. God has given me my emotions for a reason, and I believe that the purpose is to show His love to others and therefore ultimately glorify Him. As mentioned above, Jesus wept, and we see in the verse that follows that the people who witnessed this exclaimed that His weeping came from love.

I want my tears to always be a reflection of the love of Christ in my heart to the people around me.