I'm Not Perfect

...Which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone...

But to elaborate on that point, around this time last year I failed an exam (read about it here). 

At that time I was disappointed, felt sort of stupid, and I most definitely was more aware of my imperfections (I passed this time around though :) and I am thankful to the Lord for the success). 

Another situation hit me this week as I recognised that I am a hypocrite who claims to love Christ and yet fails to love others as I should. Without any sort of compassion, empathy, or love in mind I angrily texted a coworker and complained about something they failed to do properly at work. To make it even worse I even dared to brag about how I righted their wrong and was very prideful in it. There was nothing Christ-like behind what I said and did in this situation. Just pride and anger.

Now the Bible says a lot about pride and anger so I won't get into that too deeply. I'll just quote James 1:20 which says that "the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."

Later on the next day I was reading in Ephesians 4 and was convicted by these words, "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love..." It was right before a young-adults leadership meeting at church that I read these verses and I began to think about my other leadership roles at church and at home and realised that, if I am not living the way a disciple of Christ should, I have to answer for that someday before the Lord and doubly for those who followed my bad example because they trusted me to lead them. There's a reason that James says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." Yikes! I even wrote about leadership while I was in Bible College (read it here) so I know what is expected of me.

I'm not perfect, and I never will be by my own strength. I need help.

The Lord brought a song to my playlist this week that took my thinking a step further...

Perfect by Tedashii

You don't know what I been through

Don't judge me cuz' you got a past too

I know you don't know

But He knows, He knows, He knows

Yeah, they ruin the view, you watching this

Say, I'm doin' a fool and it's obvious

Say, I'm losing it too like property

They ruin my mood with this gossiping

Hating this, in the heat of the moment where Satan is

Accusing me of nothing that's a bait and switch

Making this hard for a person in this place to live

My God, I'm working like I ain't got nothin'

Carrying a load you might drop something

And you can't hide so stop frontin'

"I got it," that's a lie that we tell ourselves and I guess that it's hard for you to ask for help

But in that moment that's when you fail

One slip and they judging with a standard like they ain't done nothin'

I make no excuse but I refuse to lose to some dudes without a clue of what I've been through

From where I'm coming, no lie I should've been done in

I'm working at it I ain't perfect at it and I say this every time

You don't know what I been through

Don't judge me cuz' you got a past too

I know you don't know

But He knows, He knows, He knows

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect

I know you don't know 

But He knows, He knows, He knows

I'm supposed to be dead and gone in a catacomb like Rome

Out of range trying to use my phone, Hello

No tone, left alone like I lost my arm

But I'm up in the air like the top of your home with a bird's eye view

Watching these people saying words not true

Accusing me, they abusing me, yeah truthfully I don't have the time to be worried about you man

Naw, Oh Lord

People playing games with no ball

No rules in this so they losing it and they don't know the score at all

Consider my life they don't

Believe me I'm only human, they won't

But no matter their lies, I won't compromise

Everyday for your boy it's on

Man I promise, I'm honest

I shoot em straight but they really don't want it

Ya they taunt me then flaunt it

I've been dealing with this for the longest

Ya I doubt I'm the strongest

But in Him when I'm weak I'm stronger

I'm working at it, I ain't perfect at it

And I say this every time

You don't know what I been through

Don't judge me cuz' you got a past too

I know you don't know

But He knows, He knows, He knows

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect

I know you don't know 

But He knows, He knows, He knows

My shoes ain't your shoes

So don't try to judge me

Just deal with your issues

Take a look in the mirror

What you judging for?

Take a look in the mirror

Cause you never know 

How you affect the next person with your comments

After hearing that song I had so many mixed emotions because I know that I have both judged others and been judged by others and have participated in a lot of damaging gossip. I want to change and be changed to better reflect the love of Christ in my life, and I need His help and the help of others to do it. 

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." - 2 Timothy 2:22

Tomorrow is a new day. Praise the Lord for His steadfast love, mercy, and faithfulness toward us despite our sin!

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'" - Lamentations 3:22-24

When I'm Tired

Lots of things happen when I'm tired, and I am tired often.
I actually sort of go through various "stages of tired" and each stage is very unique.

1. In-the-morning Stage - Grogginess is a state of being dazed and weakened, which describes me in the morning if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep. As you can imagine I yawn a lot and am what some would describe as "slower-than-usual" when I'm in this stage.

2. Mid-afternoon Stage - This one typically hits me if I am bored and have been active for most of the morning. I feel as though I could nap on cue and yawning is almost constant. If the surrounding environment is warm and the sun is shining, a siesta could spontaneously commence.

3. Late-night Stage 1 - Around 10pm is when I should be in bed, and for good reason because I get weird in this stage. Though I may seem "out-of-it" at this point, my seemingly high energy level masks the fact that I'm tired. I'd call this the most fun tired stage because (as my friends have stated) I'm hyper-hilarious and entertaining.

4. Late-night Stage 2 - Can start anytime between 10-11 and this is the worst stage. I'm known by many people for maintaining a fairly positive attitude most of the time and this stage would be an exception. I get irritable and find it difficult to be kind to those who would tease me as I am easily worked up during this stage. Don't poke the bear.

5. Late-night Stage 3 - Usually after 11, I've been told that I'm not allowed to drive if I reach this stage as some have described me as "drunk-but-not." Almost completely crashed, perhaps staggering around and not making much, if any, sense at all.

If I need a sudden burst of energy, caffeine gets me going really fast. But if I have time, twenty minutes worth of vigorous exercise gives me a boost of positive energy that lasts for a few hours.

The ultimate antidote to my tiredness is sleep and I am rarely offended if someone tells me to go to bed. After all, the Bible says, "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep." - Psalm 127:2

With church ministries, nursing school, and work I am quite busy and often tired. I am still learning to make sleep a priority in order for my mind and body to be in a state that will bring God the most glory and I pray that He will teach me and help me to discipline myself in this area for His Name's sake.

The Bible

Within it's pages, the Bible makes a lot of bold claims about itself.

Take Matthew 24:35 for example, "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."

Also 2 Timothy 3:16-17, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."

Then 2 Peter 1:19-21 says, "And we have the prophetic word more fully confirmed, to which you will do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts, knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone's own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit."

Also look at Hebrews 4:12, "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." 

So, if you're tracking with me, we've read that the Bible is the everlasting Word of God and we would do well to pay attention to what it says because it is spoken from God and has surpassing power in our lives.

There were times and still are times in my life when I question what the Bible says and struggle with doubt. What does God say to me during these times?

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing." - James 1:19-25

"Whoever says 'I know him' but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected." - 1 John 2:4-5

If I believe God is who He says He is, I need to humble myself before the truth and choose to persevere in faith because He is the Lord.

No other religious writings can compare with the Word of God. In fact, "other alleged divine writings are not from God because they are not part of the Bible" - Bodie Hodge (read more here).

God even lays out as part of the qualifications for elders in the church, "He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it" (Titus 1:9) as many writings today, specifically religious or not, contradict what God says.

One of my friends told me that I should read the Apocrypha (other Jewish books not included in the Bible) and I was not sure how I should respond. So I did some research (read this) and decided that I would refrain for now. Though many internet opinions would say that Christians should read the Apocrypha for any number of reasons, I appreciated that one guy said, "We should not read them for theological information. They are not inspired and we have everything we need in the Bible. We should read them to better understand the Judaism of the first century." The rest of the post can be found here.

If I was to read any other religious books, it would have to be for the sole purpose of ministry. To get on a level of understanding so that I could have meaningful conversations with people from other religious backgrounds for example. 

Maybe...

Then maybe not... 

I am reminded of a story told me by another friend whose mother obtained a copy of the Koran to read in order to help her minister to others. Though her intentions were pure, she found that even having the book in her house caused notable spiritual distress and she decided to destroy it.

So why not let those who have already read their religious books tell you about them rather than delving in yourself? Personally I think that would be a better way to build relationships for ministry.

I have read many books in my lifetime and probably will read many more. Both secular and Christian, fiction and non-fiction. But I know that I need to read them carefully and have biblical truths in mind to keep myself from being deceived because the Bible is the only perfectly trustworthy book in the world that was written with absolutely pure motives for the good of all who would read it. 

So why not read the Bible?

Some Favourite Photos

In no particular order I have chosen some of my personal faves from my archives from the past ten or so years and am reminded of how amazing our God is as He created everything we see :)

Of fear and little brothers...Part 3

I was about 18 and I was in what my family calls "the cold room" which was named according to the simple fact that it is always cold in there. This particular day I was trying to aid my mother in organizing our house little bit and I decided that the cold room needed some attention. Though it is not a very large room, about 5' x 5' in area, it was full of children's goodies (books and toys mostly) just tossed carelessly about the place. In order to organize this room, which smelled quite dank due to the sewer pipe access located just under the carpet in the middle of the floor, I had to duck under the 5' high door frame multiple times as I sought to remove every item from the room. As the floor became more and more visible, I noticed that there was a small crack between the wall and the carpet. Now, because the cold room is in the corner of our basement, it is not uncommon to discover many different types of tiny multiple legged beings crawling into the house through cracks in the foundation. Bugs are not my favourite things, and they likely never will be. As I lifted a book from the corner, I caught a glimpse of twenty or so tiny-but-larger-than-expected legs reaching out across the carpet from the crack at the bottom of the wall and I decided that I needed someone else to help me clear out the rest of the room. Enter 8 year old Daniel. Before you assume that I am a terrible big sister, I did tell him about the giant centipede legs prior to his entrance to the room to commence continued removal of the goodies. He behaved as any nervous person would and kept a close watch on the corner where I had spotted the centipede while he bravely picked up toys and handed them out to me. Then I saw something on the wall outside the cold room that caused me to scream involuntarily. My poor little brother interpreted my scream as "OH NO! THERE'S THE CENTIPEDE!" (which was not what I had intended to communicate) and he leaped out of the room with tears streaming down his face. My scream was solely in response to a spider (my irrational fear) so I quickly apologized and directed his attention toward the beast. He quickly wiped away his tears, grabbed a book and killed the spider on my behalf.

I am thankful that my brothers are brave and also willing to rescue me from spiders because I literally just can't even. If I see one I'm instantly either frozen, jumping, shaking, screaming, or a combination of those reactions. The rational thinking portion of my brain turns off and I search for a way out of the situation. Either I call out for help from the nearest human being, run away, or just sit and stare at the spider if it is in my room because I don't want to lose track of it lest it sneak up on me again later.

Other people have found this fear of mine to be rather entertaining as they have watched my various reactions to spider encounters, some of which they have initiated. I try not to hold grudges and Jesus has forgiven me so I have since forgiven these people for intentionally taking advantage of me (some multiple times) and then making fun of me for "overreacting." I don't consider it an overreaction because I don't react intentionally. My body kicks into flight mode and that's that. And no, it doesn't matter how big the spider is. They all have the same effect. But I think I'm getting better at reacting less or at least appropriately given the circumstances.

Just yesterday morning at about 6:30am (most of my family is still sleeping at this time) I was just about to turn on the water to shower when a spider crawled out of the drain. I gasped and leaped out of the tub and thought about what to do. I considered waking up Alexander because his room was about 20ft away and he would probably respond the fastest, but then I thought that would be rude. So without waking up anybody else, I thought of my own solution that would keep me a reasonable distance away from the creep. Don't judge me too harshly but I drowned it in the tub, running the water for an extra five minutes after it went down the drain just to make sure it didn't come back up. I later that day told my dad about my dilemma and mentioned that I had considered waking someone up to help me and he said, "Well it's a good thing you didn't get me because I hate those things too!"

My closest friends have told me that I need to marry someone that isn't afraid of spiders. I agree.

Integrity

Defined by the dictionary, integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty."

The Bible says that, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." - Proverbs 10:9

I want to be someone who has integrity, no matter how hard it may be to humble myself and surrender to the Lord in order to maintain it.

Today my integrity was challenged as I considered a blog post that I had written about six months ago regarding texting (read it here) and I was prodded by the Holy Spirit to take action. It was not easy as it required me to surrender something I enjoyed but, in order to preserve my integrity and the other person's reputation, I had to give it up.

There is a reason why I don't give my cell phone number to guys anymore. It only serves to tempt me to seek after attention and then get attached and hurt later because of my own stubborn selfish pride when I give in. Also, the other person involved is not exempt from the same types of temptation and potential hurt.

In the past I have made many excuses for texting the opposite gender all the while knowing that something was wrong in my heart. I would say things like, "We're just friends, and it's not like I'm flirting with him!" "He's always the first one to send a text so maybe it means he likes me and will ask me out!" "I'm just giving him good advice and encouragement as a sister-in-Christ!" "What could be wrong with harmless conversations?"

Ladies, in order to preserve your hearts, do not fool yourselves and give in to the temptation to text a man you are not related to (unless it is strictly for informational purposes or he is your significant other) because, speaking from experience, it distracts you from your relationship with God, disrupts relationships with other people, and could end up leading to heartbreak down the road.

"May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you." - Psalms 25:21

"Vindicate me, O LORD, for I have walked in my integrity, and I have trusted in the LORD without wavering." - Psalms 26:1

May these verses reflect prayers from my heart as I continue to seek the Lord and surrender my life to Him day by day as He draws me closer to Himself.

"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul." - Psalm 86:4