Beg by Shane and Shane

So here I am one more day of not loving Him the way He asks,
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things that make me feel alright

So I'm sinking fast like a stone heart should and on the way down
I've done what I could to try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I'm haunted by my God who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion I cannot give

So I beg for You to move, I beg for You to move
I beg for You to break through

So here I am got my deeds for the day and all my cute little words of how I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love You with my mouth like a church kid should?
At the end of the day my words get burned as wood
Oh but I was good

I'm haunted by my God who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion I cannot give

So I beg for You to move, I beg for You to move
I beg for You to break through

These songs are noise in Your ears, a clanging drum
You want my love

Marathoner

It had been on my bucket list to run a full marathon (42.2km) by the time I turned 25, and I officially crossed it off on April 14th at approximately 11:01am for the 11th annual Look Gopher Attack Marathon.

So I guess you could call me a marathoner, but I probably won't run that distance again...at least not any time soon.

The main problem was that I did not train properly for this race, having only run about 12km as my longest run over the three months I was hoping to utilize prior to, and it became very clear to me during the last 15 or so km of the marathon that I should have taken the time to prepare or at least last-minute switched to run the half-marathon instead (as my mother earnestly prompted me to do).

Alas, it was too late. With only 15km left, there was no way I was quitting now. I was in for the long haul. You don't just run for three hours and give up with one more hour to go!

To describe what my body was telling me along the seemingly endless final 10000 meters would be extremely difficult because my mind was focused on pressing on rather than trying to discern what new muscles I was discovering as my feet continued to pound the pavement. All I knew was that I couldn't stop running because I had attempted to walk for a couple of seconds and quickly realized it was a poor choice by the way my legs instantly grew heavy and I had to work super hard to will them to run again.

My goal was to make it to church in time for the 11:30am Good Friday service, and I did. There is no mistaking the spiritual lessons I have learned from this experience.

Sin drags you down and makes you weary. It tears you away from the One who can give you the strength to carry on in life. Many times in my life I have been foolish. Giving in to my sin instead of trusting in the Lord enough to do His will instead of my own.

In my mind I know the truth, but I often live as though I do not believe it. Like knowing that I need to train hard to run a marathon race well, but not following through with it. Both have consequences of suffering.

In life, failing to fight the battle against sin leaves me numb, frustrated, confused, tired, and anxious while failing to train properly for a marathon leaves me very sore, tired, and weak.

There have been times that I doubted my faith just as there were times during the marathon that I thought I might not finish.

Friends, I have discovered that there is great reward and blessing in living God's way even though it is very hard at times as it is against our human nature. I have to consistently remind myself of His truth and press on in faith, knowing that His ways are perfect and are for my good.

May many say with Paul someday, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7

Skinny Pig

I was at Petsmart with a friend innocently having fun peeking into the various cages and windows checking out the different kinds of pets throughout the store and we saw this...

My first thought was oh no! They've shaved a guinea pig! It must be sick...

I mean look at the poor thing! What a weird hair growth pattern...

My friend and I agreed that this little guy was quite like a house hippo (childhood commercial featured animal reminding us not to believe everything we see on TV) but not nearly as appealing to the eye. So what is this creature, you ask? Well, Petsmart gave us a handy description below...

Who knew these things existed? I really wish I got a video of some purring and dancing. Anyways, I'm discovering new things every day. God is super creative! 

I'm Not Perfect

...Which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone...

But to elaborate on that point, around this time last year I failed an exam (read about it here). 

At that time I was disappointed, felt sort of stupid, and I most definitely was more aware of my imperfections (I passed this time around though :) and I am thankful to the Lord for the success). 

Another situation hit me this week as I recognised that I am a hypocrite who claims to love Christ and yet fails to love others as I should. Without any sort of compassion, empathy, or love in mind I angrily texted a coworker and complained about something they failed to do properly at work. To make it even worse I even dared to brag about how I righted their wrong and was very prideful in it. There was nothing Christ-like behind what I said and did in this situation. Just pride and anger.

Now the Bible says a lot about pride and anger so I won't get into that too deeply. I'll just quote James 1:20 which says that "the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."

Later on the next day I was reading in Ephesians 4 and was convicted by these words, "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love..." It was right before a young-adults leadership meeting at church that I read these verses and I began to think about my other leadership roles at church and at home and realised that, if I am not living the way a disciple of Christ should, I have to answer for that someday before the Lord and doubly for those who followed my bad example because they trusted me to lead them. There's a reason that James says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." Yikes! I even wrote about leadership while I was in Bible College (read it here) so I know what is expected of me.

I'm not perfect, and I never will be by my own strength. I need help.

The Lord brought a song to my playlist this week that took my thinking a step further...

Perfect by Tedashii

You don't know what I been through

Don't judge me cuz' you got a past too

I know you don't know

But He knows, He knows, He knows

Yeah, they ruin the view, you watching this

Say, I'm doin' a fool and it's obvious

Say, I'm losing it too like property

They ruin my mood with this gossiping

Hating this, in the heat of the moment where Satan is

Accusing me of nothing that's a bait and switch

Making this hard for a person in this place to live

My God, I'm working like I ain't got nothin'

Carrying a load you might drop something

And you can't hide so stop frontin'

"I got it," that's a lie that we tell ourselves and I guess that it's hard for you to ask for help

But in that moment that's when you fail

One slip and they judging with a standard like they ain't done nothin'

I make no excuse but I refuse to lose to some dudes without a clue of what I've been through

From where I'm coming, no lie I should've been done in

I'm working at it I ain't perfect at it and I say this every time

You don't know what I been through

Don't judge me cuz' you got a past too

I know you don't know

But He knows, He knows, He knows

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect

I know you don't know 

But He knows, He knows, He knows

I'm supposed to be dead and gone in a catacomb like Rome

Out of range trying to use my phone, Hello

No tone, left alone like I lost my arm

But I'm up in the air like the top of your home with a bird's eye view

Watching these people saying words not true

Accusing me, they abusing me, yeah truthfully I don't have the time to be worried about you man

Naw, Oh Lord

People playing games with no ball

No rules in this so they losing it and they don't know the score at all

Consider my life they don't

Believe me I'm only human, they won't

But no matter their lies, I won't compromise

Everyday for your boy it's on

Man I promise, I'm honest

I shoot em straight but they really don't want it

Ya they taunt me then flaunt it

I've been dealing with this for the longest

Ya I doubt I'm the strongest

But in Him when I'm weak I'm stronger

I'm working at it, I ain't perfect at it

And I say this every time

You don't know what I been through

Don't judge me cuz' you got a past too

I know you don't know

But He knows, He knows, He knows

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect, but I'm working

I ain't perfect

I know you don't know 

But He knows, He knows, He knows

My shoes ain't your shoes

So don't try to judge me

Just deal with your issues

Take a look in the mirror

What you judging for?

Take a look in the mirror

Cause you never know 

How you affect the next person with your comments

After hearing that song I had so many mixed emotions because I know that I have both judged others and been judged by others and have participated in a lot of damaging gossip. I want to change and be changed to better reflect the love of Christ in my life, and I need His help and the help of others to do it. 

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." - 2 Timothy 2:22

Tomorrow is a new day. Praise the Lord for His steadfast love, mercy, and faithfulness toward us despite our sin!

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'" - Lamentations 3:22-24

When I'm Tired

Lots of things happen when I'm tired, and I am tired often.
I actually sort of go through various "stages of tired" and each stage is very unique.

1. In-the-morning Stage - Grogginess is a state of being dazed and weakened, which describes me in the morning if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep. As you can imagine I yawn a lot and am what some would describe as "slower-than-usual" when I'm in this stage.

2. Mid-afternoon Stage - This one typically hits me if I am bored and have been active for most of the morning. I feel as though I could nap on cue and yawning is almost constant. If the surrounding environment is warm and the sun is shining, a siesta could spontaneously commence.

3. Late-night Stage 1 - Around 10pm is when I should be in bed, and for good reason because I get weird in this stage. Though I may seem "out-of-it" at this point, my seemingly high energy level masks the fact that I'm tired. I'd call this the most fun tired stage because (as my friends have stated) I'm hyper-hilarious and entertaining.

4. Late-night Stage 2 - Can start anytime between 10-11 and this is the worst stage. I'm known by many people for maintaining a fairly positive attitude most of the time and this stage would be an exception. I get irritable and find it difficult to be kind to those who would tease me as I am easily worked up during this stage. Don't poke the bear.

5. Late-night Stage 3 - Usually after 11, I've been told that I'm not allowed to drive if I reach this stage as some have described me as "drunk-but-not." Almost completely crashed, perhaps staggering around and not making much, if any, sense at all.

If I need a sudden burst of energy, caffeine gets me going really fast. But if I have time, twenty minutes worth of vigorous exercise gives me a boost of positive energy that lasts for a few hours.

The ultimate antidote to my tiredness is sleep and I am rarely offended if someone tells me to go to bed. After all, the Bible says, "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep." - Psalm 127:2

With church ministries, nursing school, and work I am quite busy and often tired. I am still learning to make sleep a priority in order for my mind and body to be in a state that will bring God the most glory and I pray that He will teach me and help me to discipline myself in this area for His Name's sake.