The Christian Perspective of Dating Part 2

We did some dating mythbusters at young adults last night. The following are seven myths about dating that we have likely heard and maybe even believed.

1. There is just one for you. - Newsflash! There is only one who can truly complete you and his name is Jesus Christ. If you are looking for another human being to complete you, you will suck the life out of the other person and end up miserable. Marriage should be about two complete people with Jesus as their everything serving others without having to depend on each other. The fact is, you could be happily married to a number of different people, but only if they are Christians. The Bible says that "A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whomever she wishes, only in the Lord." - 1 Corinthians 7:39 

2. Flirting and fishing for signals until you're absolutely confident you are both interested is a good way to begin a relationship. - Look at Ephesians 5. God's pattern for marriage is that husbands love their wives sacrificially with godly leadership as Christ loved the church and that wives submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Check out this article. Sacrificial love involves intentionality and women need a man whom they can confidently respect and willingly submit to who is willing to take the risk of being vulnerable and begin leading a dating relationship. 

3. Dating means and looks the same for everyone. - Everyone has their own idea about what dating is and it is important that you and the person you're dating communicate about this. Communication is key! Write your own script.

4. If you're a good match, everything will "just happen." - This is a Hollywood fantasy. Dating is hard work from square one and requires intentionality. The only thing that ever "just happens" is sin. Everything else requires hard work and intentionality. Remember that marriage is a 24hr maintenance contract that never ends and you want to establish and demonstrate your intentionality and hard work early on in a dating relationship.

5. You will move through the relationship at the same pace. - If you think of dating as a mountain, the bottom of the first half of the mountain being the "I am ready to date this person" stage, the top of the mountain as the "I can see myself marrying this person" stage, and the bottom of the second half the "I am ready to marry this person" stage, and the in-between climbing and declining being the discovering of reasons why you should and shouldn't marry this person respectively, often times couples are not at the same place on the mountain when their relationship begins. A common pattern is that the guy is usually way ahead of the woman and has to be patient for her to catch up.

6. Breaking up means you've failed. - If dating is about answering the question "should we get married?" then breaking up is as much a positive thing as getting married. You've accomplished your goal. 

7. The two of you can figure this out on your own. - Reality is that we need the church to do this properly together. We need to date in the context of church community because this is one of the areas that we need the church the most. Remember that you are vulnerable and stupid in love. If you have some solid and unbiased people keeping you accountable, you can glean valuable insight should you choose to listen to them. Have more than one person keeping you accountable because you are more likely to listen when two or three compasses are pointing in the same direction than when you just have one in which case you are more likely to disregard the advice if it suggests that you are wrong.

Remember: Dating is a totally unnatural thing for us to do because there is a blurry line representing the intimacy boundary. It is and will be awkward until you get married where intimacy becomes boundless. 

The Christian Perspective of Dating Part 1

Every culture has a process for how people get to marriage and each one involves three things:
1. A definition of what marriage is.
2. A list of qualities which would make a good marriage partner.
3. A strategy for how to find those things which make a good marriage partner.

It's not hard to see how North America does this. Our culture is no longer a dating culture as it used to be. It is now "tinder and hook-up." How has our culture influenced and shaped your thinking in this area? Recall Romans 12:2 - "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Though the goal of dating might be marriage, it is often about two people enjoying a romantic relationship together. Dating needs to look different than that. 

In the last part of 1 Corinthians 7, Paul uses the word "betrothed" which means "virgin" when translated. The Bible never says that we should do everything except have sex outside of marriage. We need to see dating as not being married, it is not a pseudomarriage. There should be very limited to no intimacy in a dating relationship because God intentionally designed marriage as a covenant relationship that provides a safe place for intimacy. No biblical pattern exists for a sustained romantic relationship outside of marriage. Biblical dating is seeking clarity, not building intimacy.

In a DVD series by Gary Thomas that goes along with his book, "The Sacred Search," our young adults group watched Session 1: Making a Wise Marital Choice: The Gift that Keeps on Giving. I picked out some of the main points as I cannot post a link to the video unfortunately.
- You can't know what you are going to face in the future, but God lets us choose the person we face it with.
- The consequences of a poor marital choice are catastrophic. Will you cry tears of joy or tears of frustration after 10 years of marriage?
- Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Make this your marital verse!
- Being "in love" is not something to base a marriage on. It's a silly reason to get married because the infatuation you experience during a dating relationship makes you vulnerable and stupid.
- You need to know the "why" for marriage to determine "who" will best fit the job description. 
- Remember that character matters. Do you respect the person you are going to marry?

So dating is primarily about discovering someone's character! Get to know who they are and also who they were. Is there consistent growth in their life? Remember that you are looking for a good chunk of marble, not a finished statue. Nobody's perfect but you want someone who is moving towards holiness. Someone who takes God's Word seriously with a mature understanding of it as well as a proven track record of serving others in faithfulness with a pattern of healthy relationships. The best way to find that kind of a person is to get really involved in the church and look for someone who is doing the same thing!

If you are looking for a fantastic book to read on the subject of dating, "The Sacred Search" by Gary Thomas is a great one!

The Christian Perspective of Marriage

     "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
     Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." - Ephesians 5:22-33
  
Week number two of the series on relationships at young adults was about marriage as you might have guessed by the post title. 

There is a lot that can be said about marriage. First of all that it is God's design as described in the passage above that a man and a woman should reflect the relationship between Christ and the church in their marriage, that their marriage might show the world what true love is.

On the contrary, a consumer relationship says, "I will like you and be with you until I don't like you anymore." Which is what our world deems acceptable for marriage relationships.

God's design is a covenant relationship that says, "I will be faithful to you no matter what, until death do us part." This kind of relationship provides the safety and security needed for honesty and vulnerability because you know the other person is not going to walk away.

The link below is to a video that contains three stories of Christian marriages that may change the way you see marriage.

https://vimeo.com/104466254 

Our discussion was summarized with the following three reasons for Christian marriage:

1. Marriage can bring relief to sexual temptation and free an individual up to put more energy into serving Christ (1 Corinthians 7:9, 36).
2. Marriage can help you double your ministry effectiveness if you are married to someone with similar life goals and interests (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
3. Marriage has a sanctifying effect on our lives and its purpose is not to make us happy, but holy.

As you can see I was left with a lot to ponder when I got home and I am still not done thinking it all through but I know that I am committed to, if God's plan for me is to get married, making a marriage that will best glorify God and show the world the kind of love that exists between Christ and his church. 

The Christian Perspective of Singleness

Our young adults group at church is doing a series on relationships. 

Why? 

Because we are all impacted by relationships in one way or another and most people who are going to get married do it in their 20s and it is important for us to take Jesus seriously and help each other follow Him faithfully in this area of life. 

After taking a week to reflect on our ideas of relationships, what our parents taught us, what culture says, and what the Bible says, we dove right into a discussion about singleness.

Our world and culture prizes and worships love and romance above all else. Think about the fact that 9/10 times the first song you hear when you turn on the radio is about falling in or out of love. Not to mention the types of movies that are the most popular usually have some element of romance in them. Culture says to be single is to be the story still waiting for the happy ending. 

Sadly, it is also often in churches where the vibe exists that it is a shame to be single. 

Listen to what John Piper has to say about the subject:

http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/single-in-christ-a-name-better-than-sons-and-daughters

"As long as you are single, this is your calling: to so live for Christ as to make it clearer to the world and to the church

1. That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ;
2. That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families; 
3. That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church - the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face; 
4. And that faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.

To Him be glory in the Christ-exalting drama of marriage and the Christ-exalting drama of the single life. Amen"

I appreciated hearing this message a lot because it shed a lot of Biblical light on singleness and helped me to gain a fresh perspective on this stage of my life, however long it may last for. 

1 Corinthians 7:25-40 also speaks a great deal on the subject of singleness and is worth spending time pondering.

Only You by Dan Bremnes

I'm in wonder, of the wonder

The rags that I've made aren't the price that you've paid as I come to You
Leaves me humbled, cause without grace I'm bound 
To all that I am and all that I cannot undo

Nothing I have can erase all the pain,Nothing of me can bring on the change that I need

It's only You that can change my heart
It's only You that can mend my life
It's only You that can make me whole,that can make me whole

I'm in wonder, of the wonder
The life that You gave as You bled in my place as an offering
Waves and thunder, have held me under,
But from here I am healed by the freedom that comes from the cross

Nothing I have can erase all the pain,
Nothing of me can bring on the change that I need

It's only You that can change my heart
It's only You that can mend my life
It's only You that can make me whole,that can make me whole


When I reflect on the lyrics of this song I am reminded that, no matter how hard I try to "fix" myself and be who God wants me to be, it is Him who does that work in my heart. My job is to seek Him and ask Him to do that work within me.