Anxious and Fearful

Something I have discovered very recently that I do not cope well with at extreme levels is anxiety.

It is a nasty thing that throws life off balance and causes you to question absolutely everything because your mind is fighting to find both a reason and a solution for your chaotic fearfulness.

Anxiety related to life circumstances would be my nursing diagnosis for the past two weeks of my life. 

There were nights when I had trouble sleeping because I was trembling and my mind refused to be put at ease because I was sinking into a dark pool of anxious thoughts and fears.

Also, just having started a new semester of school with three classes, one of which being the one I failed last year, I am finding myself a little more than a bit overwhelmed with fear sometimes. 

Fear of failure.

But, when I break it down in my mind, it looks more like this:

- my instructors will think I am incompetent

- my peers will think I am stupid

- my family will be disappointed in me

- my friends will wonder what I am doing with my life

- everyone will think I have wasted so much time and money

All of those can be summarized together ultimately as fear of man.

Then, when God reminds me what life is really about, my mind is put at ease by the truth:

"The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" - Psalm 27:1

"I sought the LORD and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:4

"The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" - Psalm 118:6

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad." - Proverbs 12:25

"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe." - Proverbs 29:25

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" - Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself." - Matthew 6:34

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:29-31

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of Gd so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:6-7

There is no freedom from being anxious and fearful apart from my Lord. May He continually remind me that my life is meant to bring Him glory no matter what may happen. He is in control and I need to choose to trust in Him when life circumstances begin to breed fear and anxiety within me.

An excellent resource on this topic can be found here.

Unequally Yoked

This post was inspired by a question I have been asked many times but once again most recently in conversation with a co-worker this past week, "Why won't you consider a romantic relationship with a man who does not believe the same things as you?"

In one sense, the answer is quite simple. But it prompts further explanation for those who do not share the same perspective as I do.

The first thing that I have to be clear about is that I am a Christian. I have a relationship with God and I believe what the Bible says is absolutely true. This means that I try to live my life in obedience to what God says and so proclaim that Jesus is Lord over all. In the world, my perspective puts me in a minor category as not many people share my beliefs though lots will claim that they do (read my previous post on the topic here).

That being explained leads me to move onto what the Bible says about dating or marrying someone who is not a Christian.

"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, 'I will make my dwelling among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.'" - 2 Corinthians 6:14-17

As I see the Bible as the authoritative source of truth in my life, I take what it says seriously. This passage explains that, as a believer in Christ and child of God, I have no partnership with those who do not believe. We would not have common life purpose, perspective, or goals, and that would create a lot of conflict and therefore a rather restless relationship. Also, I personally would ultimately be disobeying God which would damage my relationship with Him and I have no interest in doing that.

I have made mistakes in the past by entertaining relationships with men whom I would not "officially" date as I knew they were not Christians (or a believer not yet at a point in their faith to lead me) but I would give them hope by setting standards that they could meet to eventually win me over because I liked the attention, was attracted to their looks and/or personality, and honestly thought they had potential to be a good match for me as my husband in the future. I was selfish and I have left behind a trail of hurt and confusion.

One of my best friends told me something I will never forget. She said, "Jessica, every man has potential." I never considered this before and it will affect the way I respond to men who are interested in me in the future.

Lesson learned: If a man asks me out and I have any doubt about his beliefs or spiritual maturity (assuming I already know him), despite how attractive I might find him otherwise, I have a duty to say "no" for his good and mine.

Let It Be Jesus by Christy Nockels

Let it be Jesus
The first name that I call
Let it be Jesus
My song inside the storm
I'll never need another

For me, to live is Christ
For me, to live is Christ
God I breathe Your name above everything
Let it be, let it be Jesus

Let it be Jesus
From the rising of the sun
Let it be Jesus
When all is said and done
I'll never need another, Jesus there's no other

Should I ever be abandoned
Should I ever be acclaimed
Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame
There's a name I will remember
There's a name I will proclaim
Let it be, Let it be Jesus
Let it be, Let it be my Jesus

"I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the LORD: 'O LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!' Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living." - Psalm 116:1-9

Why I Love Babysitting

1. Kids are super cute and often entertaining.
- I once babysat two girls ages 5 and 3 and a boy who was 2 and all three of the kids were playing house with me. I was affectionately known as "girl" to my 3 year old mom (I think she forgot my real name) and she kept on trying to feed me "spicy lemon" which I told her was hurting my mouth. As it were, mom wasn't interested in pleasing her girl and instead proceeded to attempt to force feed me more spicy lemon. The 2 year old boy noticed my distress and immediately offered me a bowl of "dood soup" which consisted of felt apple slices and bacon. I was thankful. Then the 5 year old told me that she was my grandma and told me that she had no home and was just wandering the streets in a storm. According to 3 and 5 year old girls, storms "make all the lights go off, have lightening, clouds, spooky sounds, bats, bangs, and the wind blows over the beaver's house."

2. I have learned to be both fun and serious.
- Part of being a babysitter is having fun  and playing with the kids but also being authoritative and what they would call "mean" sometimes. Especially when it is time to go to bed. This is when kids like to test my patience and I have to try really hard to maintain my "serious" face and voice in order to show the kids that I am no longer joking around. If the "serious" Jess fails, I then leave it to the parents to discipline their kids however they choose to. One girl I babysat for years said to me when she was 6 years old, "Jessica, sometimes you're scary, but I still like you."

3. If the children are well behaved, I pick up some good parenting tips.
- Every child can have his or her "off days" but I am able to tell pretty quickly based on how well the kids listen to me whether or not they have been disciplined well. Usually if I threaten reporting the kids to their parents when they get home, kids that have been well disciplined will submit and those that have not will continue to disobey. One girl, when I asked her, "Do I have to tell daddy that you're not listening when he gets home?" quickly responded "no, no, I'll be good!" and she listened after that. Kudos to that father!

4. I am very practiced in dealing with children.
- Having babysat for a number of families over the years since I was 12, I have gained experience dealing with many different kids. From crying 10 month old babies to "too cool" 10 year olds, and everything in between. It has been both fun and challenging and I have been able to develop some useful strategies in calming down angry kids, tiring out restless ones, and entertaining bored ones too. When I babysat a "too cool" 10 year old boy, he thought he was too old for a babysitter and acted as though I was the worst person ever because I was in charge while his parents were gone. His attitude quickly changed when I suggested we play Mario Kart and I proceeded to annihilate him on every race. Every time I babysat him after that he would show me his new video games and we had fun together.

5. Sometimes parents are surprised by what they come home to.
- Kids often act a lot more disobedient around their parents than they will with me. It may take 2-3 times of babysitting for me to establish my authority but a routine soon takes place and the kids realize that I cannot be pushed around. If a child has a habit of not going to bed, I have them asleep by the time mom and dad come home. Whether it be because I tired them out with a hopping competition or read them a really long story, the kids are usually sleeping. Another thing I like to do for parents is clean up their house for them while they are out. I'll do the dishes and tidy up any toys just to help relieve some parental stress. One family wanted to hire me to clean their house if I was willing but I told them that it was just something I wanted to do if I had time while babysitting and not as an extra side job (I don't think I need extra practice cleaning things in other words).

6. It is an opportunity to serve.
- I never go to babysit expecting payment though most parents have paid me anyways. I don't have a set rate because sometimes people can't afford to pay a babysitter very much and I get that. I am thankful when I get paid but I am more thankful for the opportunity to hang out with kids, get some practice for maybe becoming a parent myself someday, and relieving some stress from parents who need some time away from the kiddos. It's another way that I can show the love of Christ to those around me. 

What They Don't See

Read my previous post titled "my room" here.

The darkest corner of my room has been that way for too long.
It contains my deepest scars of fear and shame.
Negative emotions are piled there somewhere.
Hopelessness is what I have called it.
I have long refused to allow the light to expose this place.
It is what they don't see.

"For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person." - Mark 7:21-23
"Therefore do not pronounce judgement before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his condemnation from God." - 1 Corinthians 4:5

I want to let them in, to allow them to help me, but I am afraid.
The burden that lies there threatens to crush those who come to help.
I don't want anyone to get hurt.
Some have neared the corner, only to be pushed away by my fear.
Those pushed have little bruises on them from my fingertips.
At least they won't be crushed.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2
"For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me." - Psalm 38:4
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7

There is One who already knows all that I have tried to conceal.
He knows my weaknesses and fears.
They do not understand, but He does completely.
To Him I come, weeping and trembling.
On my knees before Him is my proper place.
Tonight I cry out for help.

"You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence." - Psalm 90:8
"he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him." - Daniel 2:22
"O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways." - Psalm 139:1-3

There is hope.

"I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness." - John 12:46

Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp

I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain.
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain.
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid,
there's rest in the shadow of His wings.

I have walked through the valleys, the mountains and plains.
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains.
If you feel the weight of many trials and burdens from this world,
there's freedom in the shelter of the Lord.

I have seen the healing hand of God reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace and hold onto what's being held out,
the healing hand of God.

I have touched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real.
He has walked the road before me, He knows just how I feel.
When you feel that there's not anyone who understands your pain,
just remember all of Jesus' suffering.

Cause' I have seen the healing hand of God reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace and hold onto what's being held out,
the healing hand of God.

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.
He's near to the broken and confused.
By His stripes our spirit is renewed.
So enter in the joy prepared for you.

I have seen the healing hand of God reaching out and mending broken hearts.
Taste and see the fullness of His peace and hold onto what's being held out,
the healing hand of God.

The healing hand of God.

"When you have met God in the loneliness of your soul, and you and God come to the point where there is nobody else in the world, that is the passion for God we need today. That is the kind of love I need to have for God. I will never be able to love other people in the world until I have mastered my love for God - a passion for God that nothing can diminish." - A.W. Tozer

Jealousy and Kindness

I've been recently struck with a couple of challenges. Basically I feel jealous and I am often not very kind. These two things overlap in my life as the Lord has revealed to me that, when I am feeling jealous, unkindness flows from me. Just like when a dog is jealous for it's owner's attention, it might act unkind toward another dog.

A while back I wrote a post about social media (read it here) and explored a few of the reasons why I have avoided some of it. It is from a sense of pride that I would choose to enter into today's social media craze because I want attention from people. But because I have chosen to abstain, I often feel left out and jealous that other people seem to be connecting and having fun without me. These feelings are especially escalated when I hear that guys are texting, snapping, etc. some of the women I am close with because I know it feels good to have that attention and yet, partly because I don't want to get emotionally attached to a bunch of guys, I must keep holding myself back despite my feelings which would tempt me ultimately to search for security in the approval of mankind rather than in Jesus.

"Thus says the LORD: 'Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places in the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is in the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.'" - Jeremiah 17:5-8

It is in these times when I feel jealous that I am also tempted to judge others for their use of social media and think of myself as superior to them in an effort to make me feel better. This prideful attitude that results from my initial jealous feeling hurts other people as I tear them down in my thoughts and sometimes my words. It is very unkind overall, and terribly sinful.

"For all that is in the world - the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life - is not from the Father but is from the world." - 1 John 2:16

"'Scoffer' is the name of the arrogant, haughty man who acts with arrogant pride." - Proverbs 21:24

Yesterday I discovered a Christian talk show (listen to it here) which addressed a number of things I've been wondering about but the title specifically caught my attention as it read, "The Kindness Challenge." I was very thankful to have been reminded that it should not take much to show kindness as a Christian because kindness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Though I will still struggle, I want to be known as someone who is kind. Especially to those whom I've hurt, have hurt me, or had consistent conflict with. Simple words or acts of kindness can go a long way. Plus we are commanded by the Lord to, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32

The battle rages on.

Toothless

That was my adopted nickname for two days after I got my tooth pulled and there are some valuable life lessons to be learned from the story I am about to tell you.

Lesson #1: Brush AND floss your teeth daily.

I am sure this all began back about ten or so years ago when I first got a couple of fillings in my teeth because of cavities. Laziness would get the better of me and I allowed my teeth to go unbrushed many a night. The mind of a fourteen-year-old Jessica thinks that the only reason one should brush their teeth is to get rid of bad breath. And no one talks to me when I'm sleeping so it shouldn't matter right? Well the dentist told me I was wrong and I am now reminded with an unpleasant tingling sensation whenever cold food or drink lingers on the filled teeth in my mouth.

Lesson #2: Go to the dentist at least once yearly.

Dentist appointments were always booked by my mother. Every six months I would go to get my teeth inspected and cleaned. Then I turned 18 and was told to book my own appointments. Now, if given the choice, I would not choose to go to the dentist. I find the whole experience quite disturbing as they scrape away at your teeth (supposedly there's plaque) and then rip and tear at your gums with dental floss and tell you that you've been doing it wrong. Am I supposed to brush until it hurts and make my gums bleed? If so then of course I've been doing it wrong and will continue to do so! Anyways I finally made my appointment after five or so years of neglect and, once again, they discovered a cavity. I wasn't surprised and I got it filled a week later.

Lesson #3: Ask questions to save money.

Since I wasn't covered by insurance, I paid about $500 for both my cleaning appointment and the filling that followed. I didn't mind paying because it was absolutely necessary to take care of these things but, had I known that I didn't have coverage, I might have waited until the New Year to book my appointments. Now I wish I had waited. Just a week before Christmas I began to experience a terrible toothache. I assumed it was my wisdom teeth coming in a bit more as they have ached a bit in the past so I resorted to taking all of the pain medication (naproxen, ibuprofen, acetaminophen) and using Orajel to numb my gums and relieve my discomfort. The night before Christmas Eve I discovered that the gums around the tooth that I had gotten filled most recently ached the most. Instinctively, I spread a fair amount of Orajel around the tooth and accidentally got some on it. Instant excruciating pain throbbed in my mouth and I realized that my wisdom teeth had nothing to do with the pain after all. If I had asked my dentist what he thought I should do with the tooth prior to getting it filled, pulling it would have cost me approximately only $150 rather than a $250 filling that eventually backfired.

Lesson #4: Pray always.

The pain was so horrible that I was in tears and close to asking my mom to take me to the emergency room. As I laid my face on an ice pack and pressed on the tooth with my fingers repeatedly to temporarily relieve some of the pain, I thought of what I could do. I researched emergency dental clinics and found that none of them were open until the next morning. Then I considered grabbing pliers and pulling the tooth out myself but that thought quickly dissolved. What should have been my first resort turned out to be my third. I cried out to God and asked Him to take away my pain. I asked specifically for the pain to be relieved enough so that I could get a decent sleep and make it to the dentist.

Lesson #5: Praise the Lord!

I finished praying at around 1am and then woke up at 7:15am. God had answered my prayer in my favour. I found it particularly amazing that, though I distinctly remember setting my alarm for 5:30am, God woke me up at 7:15am which gave me just enough sleep to feel decent and just enough time to get to work. I also noticed that my toothache was very minimal and bearable to the point that I almost did not phone the dentist. I decided that, since I wanted to eat Christmas dinner the next day, that I should probably book an appointment to get the tooth dealt with ASAP. To make a longer story shorter, I was able to book an emergency appointment, got my tooth pulled, and was able to eat Christmas dinner without any pain.